What a pity it is that he isn't here to do the same thing for the rest of the world today. Everywhere we walk, we are confronted by images of injustice, war, turmoil, totalitarianism, brutality, angst, discrimination, stupidity, cruelty, danger, health and safety, not enough danger, children crying in restaurants, children crying in pet stores, children crying in HMV, shops like HMV closing down, shops like HMV losing out on money due to illegal downloads, piracy, pirates, films about pirates, Somali Pirates, cruise liners capsizing, caps worn back-to-front, dresses without back, dreses without fronts, bikinis, mankinis, kiwis - the list goes on. If only there were somebody out there who could focus upon these issues, as well as providing some light relief from the worries of our day-to-day existence upon Albion's shore!
This is where The Pessimist Chronicles comes into play. Take a lot of ideas, a lot of intelligence, and a handful of incredibly attractive, dangerously intelligent, cataclysmically posh young people from the University of Winchester, give them a magazine and what do you get? - well... this.
'What right do these young upstarts have to talk about burning issues such as politics, foreign affairs, fashion, romance, racial issues the latest media-saturated entertainments?' I hear you ask. Well, we all study English, which means, while, say, a business student may understand business, we understand that business is little more than a product of a country whose inhabitants are driven purely by the drive to buy, forced into behaving in such a way so that the larger corporations can squeeze them for every penny they have; and, thus, we get the upper hand.
Got you thinking, didn't it?
The Team
Harriet Baker
Girl. 19. Blonde. Enjoys flirting with many a moving object, and watching cats at play. She works in the department of fashion and humorous pick-up lines (only a few of which have actually been tested, very few of which have actually been seen to work), and also produces any illustrations you see within these pages. The only person ever to pass the essay assignment for the module known as History of the English Language. She takes a long time making life-changing decisions, such as 'can I eat a burger twice in one week' and 'fish and chips or scampi... or gammon... or a burger?' Likes to show her midriff off in cold weather. Most frequently heard to say 'I hate men!... oh he's quite nice...'Shaun Anthony Beale
Boy. 20. Enjoys the works of Franz Kafka, selling flowers to old people, and writing poetry. He is our film and media expert. Very little else is known about him, save that he has a penchant for touching people he has only just met in ways such as a stroking of the face or a cupping of the... yes, and he always order a gourmet chicken burger whenever dining in Wetherspoons. That's our Shauny B!
Boy. 19. 'Guys, guys, guys! Isn't this just the best day ever?' This genuine quote sums up the personality of our lovely strangely-Northern-sounding Southern friend. What topic does he cover? Foreign affairs. He has friends from Japan. He's going to spend several months being educated in Japan. He knows more about the rest of the world than anyone else we know. Therefore, he's the perfect man for the job. He is also the writer of our obituaries section.Kat Darlington
Girl. 20. Inter-nerd. Enjoys lolcats and memebase. The closest thing we could find to the Artful Dodger, so she will have to do for the purpose of demonstrating class diversity. Don't worry, dear reader - she's used to us offending her. She used to work for Sainsbury's. She shouts at computers. Her PIN is 6736. That's Kat Darlington!
Boy. 19. The greatest person in the team. Of course that's a joke: he's not really that arrogant - he's just very self-proud (as confirmed by the rest of the team on February 29th 2012). Enjoys complaining about how modern mainstream music is nowhere near as good as the oldies (Queen are the greatest band of all time, and don't forget it). With this unique brand of angry humour, he focuses on politics and satire, as well as taking an angry view of many aspects of modern culture. Look out for his annual reviews of the years as we steadily progress through them. He can play the violin. He's tetotal. He has a burning desire to wear a stetson to a lecture. Oh, William...Alexander White
Boy. 20. He used to have huge, gaping holes in his ears which could potentially have been portals to another dimension, but nobody ever had the bravery to test this theory out. He specialises primarily in our lonely hearts section, so if you have any issues of the heart, send them unto him. He won't be able to help, but he can make you laugh about it, and laughter is, after all, the best medicine. It doesn't really do much in the long run, but it takes the pain away for a short while. Like paracetamol. His phone number is 07846738654.
And that's the team!
Please note that all articles published herein are the property of the individual authors. We all work seperately. If any article offends or breaks protocol in any way, this is the responsibility of the specific author - nobody else will be connected to the project unless it is specified in the article in question.
Each contributor is equal to one another - we're listed in alphabetical order by surname, are we not?
The Pessimist Chronicles will never intentionally offend, breach copyright, or commit any other breach of internet/legal protocol. Any offending, once brought to the attention of the team, will be immediately removed. Because we're nice like that.
We would also like to stress that this magazine is in no way in competition with the fantastic Splendid Fred Magazine run by the University of Winchester's creative writing team. We are highly enamoured with and respectful of this publication, and know we shall never beat it in terms of popularity and/or reader numbers.
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