I would like to begin
by honestly admitting that the entire content of this article is in retaliation
to my disproportionately muscular calves (a result of rebellion induced
girls-football-team-joining from the age of ten to thirteen), which make it
impossible to wear any form of skinny fitting leg-wear which does not contain a
high percentage of elastane.
Now – assuming you are not clad in skinny jeans – sit
comfortably and prepare to embark on a whirlwind tour of the top three (highly
realistic and researched) reasons as to why skinny jeans are just ridiculous.
1)
Mobility.
When faced with a monster or other predatory figure the skinny jeans wearer may as well admit defeat. Running is awkward and good luck trying to crouch and hide.
When faced with a monster or other predatory figure the skinny jeans wearer may as well admit defeat. Running is awkward and good luck trying to crouch and hide.
2)
Elegance.
Before I resigned myself to the fact that each pair are as unflattering as the next, I have tried on many a pair of skinny jeans and, thanks to fitting room mirrors, I have also seen myself try to remove them. From all angles.
Unless you’re quick on your feet and you can trick your partner into thinking it’s a sexy dance, their presence will fully kill the mood in the bedroom.
Before I resigned myself to the fact that each pair are as unflattering as the next, I have tried on many a pair of skinny jeans and, thanks to fitting room mirrors, I have also seen myself try to remove them. From all angles.
Unless you’re quick on your feet and you can trick your partner into thinking it’s a sexy dance, their presence will fully kill the mood in the bedroom.
3)
Physics.
Skinny jeans make short people look shorter and tall people look taller, thus denying all known laws of fashion physics.
Skinny jeans make short people look shorter and tall people look taller, thus denying all known laws of fashion physics.
As I am sure you are well aware, there is a convenient and
life-prolonging alternative to the tight-fitting fiends…
The Chino.
Oh come let us adore the Chino’s cotton-synthetic blend.
I will not be held to
blame if you are mistaken for a member of One Direction.
Harriet Baker
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