It’s a blustery November evening, it’s cold out and if one looks carefully they can just about spot the first signs of frost clinging to the nearest window pane. This is the beginning of what I shall dub the Jen-Eric situation. A stony eyed, disillusioned youth rushes somewhere; 'where', you may ask? Hell, I don’t know… What’s that? You need to know!? Okay... okay then: he’s rushing out to meet his friend Dave or some other pointless, functional plot device. There, is that better? Of course it is - you’re the modern cinema goer, that’s obviously all you need. Who needs twists or even a premise? Exactly: not you!
Anyhow, so this Eric fella, he happens across a young woman named Jen who lacks any sense of spatial awareness and just walks straight into him. It’s truly terrible, she drops all the papers, or apples, or whatever else she may be carrying… papier-mâché kittens, anything, it’s really not all that important. So Eric, he immediately falls head over heels in love with Jen – you see most of the time we keep our heads below our heels, I know, MIND BLOWN! Well, anyway, much to young Eric’s dismay Jen doesn’t immediately feel the same; she’s already seeing Conventionally Attractive Man. Conventionally Attractive Man happens to be a bit of a douchebag and bullies Eric, makes silly jokes at Eric’s expense and laughs with his group of conventionally attractive friends.
After this there’s a sequence of contrived and somewhat ridiculous events culminating in Jen leaving Conventionally Attractive Man and subverting her head-heel position as she falls for Eric. It’s at this moment they embrace, all the planets align and it starts to rain as Semisonic’s 1998 hit 'Closing Time' can be heard playing; but from where? Who knows - it’s probably coming from the same place as the asinine sequence of events that’s got them to this moment… A middle-aged, money-hungry screenwriter’s arse.
A BRIEF INTERLUDE:
Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing
Allie: Hmmm… I can only think of one means of resolving this.
Noah: What?
Harry Hill: FIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHT!!!!!!!
NOW BACK TO OUR PROGRAMME AS ADVERTISED:
Now don’t call me a pessimist – I prefer realistic optimist – but in the real world this isn’t exactly how it works. Allow me to explain. In 'real life' Jen would most likely stay with Conventionally Attractive Man until he one day cheats on her with Unrealistic Clichéd Girl. Jen, now broken-hearted, would continue down her self-destructive path dating more and more conventionally attractive men, who cheat on her with more and more unrealistic clichéd girls. This will go on for some time until Jen finally meets a genuinely nice guy who cares. Jen will never truly trust Genuinely Nice Guy, however: tainted by her past traumas she will resist his good intentions, and she will instead always think the worst. This will lead to accusations of cheating, Jeremy Kyle, a lie detector and many, many tears.
Meanwhile, Eric, feeling disheartened, will head home and participate in numerous raids on WOW until his Level 64 Paladin 'bings'. He will repeat this act daily until he eventually gets talking to someone through… well I don’t know - MSN; Facebook; some paper cups and a piece of string – however people communicate nowadays. Many awkward conversations and emotional hurdles later the two lovebirds will start tweeting… oh, and then dating. Then who knows, they may even get married! Or at least they’ll share a place together, as Eric in his thick rimmed glasses is too 'hipster' for marriage.
So there you have it. I’m not saying love doesn’t work. I mean it’s not the Koni campaign. I happen to believe that love’s great. It’s what leads to Eric happily sharing an apartment with his equally hipster other half and Jen brightening up my boring Tuesday mornings with Jezza hurling abuse at her and her dysfunctional relationship. I just feel that its cinematic portrayal is wrong. Take for example little Billy. Billy grows up watching Along Came Polly, The Break Up and any film starring Hugh Grant. He sees love structured in such and such a way over and over again. He – in his adolescent confusion – takes this as the way it’s done. So, when his relationship doesn’t turn out like it is in the movies he begins to doubt its credentials.
'We don’t make love in barns, or lie in the middle of the road, or kiss on the stage of a concert!' he thinks to himself as the credits of Music and Lyrics rolls down the screen before him. So, as you do, poor misguided Billy ends his relationship longing for a fantasy that just doesn’t exist. Or at least one that doesn’t for normal people… as far as TOWIE’s concerned anything can happen to those born in Essex. And this is how Billy misses out on happiness due to the fantasy that is a cinematic love.
I’m not saying these films are bad – well most of them are – but that’s not the point. I’m instead arguing that there’s something deeply artificial about the events portrayed. They’re like MMO’s, or Heather Mills' left leg. They serve a purpose… they’re just not real. When we watch these films they’re to be taken with a pinch of salt (or perhaps pepper as it’s less damaging to the heart). It’s when they cause us to doubt what’s real that we’re in trouble. It’s when cinema distorts the moments outside the screen – him and her, a blanket, some Ben and Jerry’s and any film that doesn’t feature Nicholas Cage…
‘Cause he can go fuck himself.
Shaun Beale
The Pessimist Chronicles would like to assure all readers than Shaun's views on Nicholas Cage are his own and should not be taken as gospel. Some of us actually liked National Treasure.
By some of us, we mean one, and that one will most certainly be flogged for their views.
The Pessimist Chronicles would like to assure all readers than Shaun's views on Nicholas Cage are his own and should not be taken as gospel. Some of us actually liked National Treasure.
By some of us, we mean one, and that one will most certainly be flogged for their views.
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