The Pessimist’s Guide to Modern Living – Part 6: Now Made with Real Pessimism (And Can I Have A Side Order of Cancer with That, Please?)

Sorry to sound (or, rather, read) like a broken record, but if there is one thing which really irritates me today, it is the terrible subject of cooking (and, of course, by association, eating). That is not to say that I am intending to boycott food – that would simply be absurd. Instead, I intend to pose an argument as to why eating has, today, become an unnecessary exhibition/drama.

This is why.

Fast food: this is merely one of the irritating aspects of modern dining, and is probably, in the minds of some, the lowest form of eating. Yet we travel in our droves to our closest McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, etc, etc. I even went myself today with my dear friend Adam back home in Solihull.

But why, I hear you ask, did I go, if I despise fast food joints so greatly?

Well, dear readers, this is exactly what annoys me about them. They are unhealthy, their food is pretty much of the lowest quality known to man (except, perhaps, for Burger King – there’s a reason why they charge so much, after all) and the people who work there are the most miserable group of people to ever crawl out of the primordial soup that spawned mankind. So they beam warmly every time somebody walks under the giant ‘M’ and orders one of their early morning breakfast meals... in the advertisement. Why, then, can’t they just crack a smile once in a while? I know it’s probably a pretty grim existence, dealing with hundreds upon hundreds and people every day, existing from opening time until closing time in a hot back room filled with the mouth-wateringly good smell of cooking meat, chips, and onion rings, while having simultaneously to collect an immense amount of money during the course of their day with the full knowledge that they will only ever see the most mediocre amount of it in their own wallets, and also having to put together some of the best=tasting meals they have ever seen and always have to give them away to moody-looking customers who clearly have too much money and too little sense, but if they were to force a smile or two they would probably feel a whole lot better: after all, it has been scientifically proven that laughter is indeed the best medicine.

Apart from the rudeness of the employees, however, the most annoying thing about the fast food is that it tastes so damn good! Why would I be complaining about this?’ I hear you ask. Well, simply that the reason Britain is beginning to rival America as a country of heavyweights is because the worst food is made so addictive – stick a few thumb tacks in there, perhaps, and we certainly wouldn’t come back and, thus, lose so many calories we’d probably begin to prosper as a nation once again!

Of course, not all fast food is bad – Subway, for example, is bloody banging, and not too bad for you either. But, speaking in general terms, this modern way of acquiring our meals could be a whole lot better. Agreed?

But there is another problem with the over-commercialisation of food: No, it isn’t the risk of human rights violations – it is that, if major corporations frequently trick and diddle us, then fast food companies must surely do the same.

And now for the real moan.

About a year ago I acquired what is commonly known, I believe, as a ‘subcard’ – each time you buy a meal from Subway, you earn points, and if you earn enough you get a free sub. Pretty straightforward, yes?  As time progressed and my points slowly but surely built up, I came very close to earning this free meal. However, disaster befell me, and due to a system error, my card was cancelled when I only had to buy one more sandwich to get a free one.

Well, accidents happen. I got a new card and started the climb once again.

Exactly the same thing occurred.

Suspicious much?

On to McDonald’s: while walking through Winchester, I was handed a voucher for a reduced-price meal. ‘Fantastic’, I thought, ‘I’ll use that!’

When I got home, however, I noticed the use-by date on the voucher: 31/12/11. This was, incidentally, mid-February.

Being a pleasant sort of chap, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt: accidents do happen, of course – perhaps they had just picked up the wrong bunch of vouchers before they came out.

However, yesterday, me and dear Adam went t McDonald’s and were given some more vouchers with our meals.

Awesome.

Until we checked the use-by dates again, of course. I invite you to look at the picture below, and then to check the date this article was posted – do they seem a bit far apart to you?

Deciding that poor people are being diddled by this global corporation, I decided I would not longer stand for it and, in true British style, wrote a strongly-worded letter to head office: the response, if I ever receive one, will be posted on here for all to see as soon as possible. It will be a bit of fun for us all, if nothing else.

Now to move on to the world of culinary hierarchy: I don’t know about you, but when I eat, I want to eat rather than make a huge ceremony out of it. This is seemingly not the case, however, for ‘proper foodies’. These people will go into a restaurant, fork out a huge sum of money for their most expensive, medium-rare gammon et œuf à la coque avec des puces (get over to Google Translator, everyone) and be presented with the smallest meal you have ever seen, framed on a spotless square plate.

Why????

This kind of strange elitist eating ceremony has even extended to the humble world of cake – on taking a trip into Starbucks the other day with a couple of dear friends of mine, one of them bought two miniscule square cakes. When first I noticed, of course, that there were no prices displayed for them, alarm bells began to ring: ‘if you need to ask how much this is, you can’t afford it’.

So he bought them. It cost him about £3 – I’m not sure if it was each or collectively, as I was too appalled to say much.

Was it worth it?

Well, take a look and decide for yourselves:

Sorry about the brightness from the windows, Josh... but the cakes are visible and that's what's most important for the article, after all.

As for my friend Josh, after consuming them, he gave me this exclusive interview.

‘They were quite nice actually. Softer than I expected – like a really nice soft brownie covered in chocolate. And the strawberry one’s kind of like a cakey cheesecake.’

So, in other words, no, they were pathetically-overpriced excuses for nouvelle cuisine.

In the end, of course, it doesn’t really matter where we eat – it will all kill us some day by giving us cancer. Did you know, for example, that eating more than three slices of ham per day gives you bowel cancer? Were you aware that sausages and burgers do the same? As does soup, apparently. And wine. And chips. And Pringles, Hula Hoops, Prince Charles’ Organic Crisps, red meat, chocolate, all bagged snacks, as well as a whole host of other non-food-related items I can’t mention here because they don’t fit in with the topic (check this if you want to see the rest: http://www.thedailydust.co.uk/2009/02/19/20-strange-things-the-daily-mail-say-will-cause-cancer/).

But, it’s not all doom and gloom: in good news, it looks like carrots and potatoes stop you getting cancer!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1373786/Could-carrots-sweet-potatoes-help-fight-breast-cancer.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Despite what I was taught at school about potatoes, of course.

So, my message is, you might as well just eat like a normal human being and not some sort of pseudo-aristocratic Eton-educated French-wannabe modern day Bertie Wooster.

Tuck in.

Anyway, that's me done for tonight. I'm off to prepare for the Facebook challenge. Yikes!

William D. Green

Just in case all that talk of cancer scared you, by the way, I will leave you with this delightful song from everyone’s favourite comedian, Russell Howard (taken from BBC Three’s Russell Howard’s Good News, of course).