Friends, Romans, countrymen! It is as of recent that a
rather unsettling factor of my own persona has been revealed unto me. It came
to mind whilst I was sat in the in the centre of a wide, majestic and oh so
very beautiful field alongside a myriad of butterflies, squirrels, hopes and
dreams. The joy of a thousand orphans who’ve found their parents after years of
arduous searching bathed the land in an almost mystical, sublime light. It was
in this paradise that I listened to Dido’s gentle vocal instruments at work
allowing the following to flutter free amongst the perfections of my present,
“And I want to thank you for giving me
The best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you is having
The best day of my life”
As the words melted into my very core I allowed my hand to
be carried free across a page, crafting would be poetry with every stroke. It
was a euphoric moment that shall be carried with me throughout life! It was a
moment truly at peace! It was daytime so I couldn’t see, but I’m certain if it
had been night the planets would have aligned. Para, para, paradise!
“Every beloved object is the centre point of a
paradise.”
It was at this moment that it happened, the moment of realisation.
Having finished my latest verse on love and pixies I sat back amongst nature
and resolved to take it all in. Within a minute however… disaster had struck!
Without knowing what I was doing I had begun to craft a chain from the daisies
around which I’d sat. It was in this act I had created my own shackles. I had
lost my masculinity…
I am now locked in place by an indestructible chain of pretty
flowers. I have become… feminine.
“Shit
the bed!”
So that is where this article comes in. I must do what all men at
odds with their own sexuality do. I must talk about sex! ‘ight Geez! Cause
that’s manlike ‘aint it mushty? So here are my top ten sexually themed songs.
An attempt to reclaim my manhood… Brap.
10. Rihanna - S&M
Whips and chains? S&M? I feel my masculinity taking root
within me! This song makes it onto this list not because it’s particularly
good… More for the novelty of it being played all the time and that children
seem to enjoy singing along. The funniest moment of my life has to be hearing a
six year old sing about how whips and chains excite her. Although with that
thought I can feel my masculinity receding. Let’s move on to something toddler
free shall we?
Best line:
“Come on, come on, come on / I
like it-like it!”
You can’t pay for lyrics that
good! And people say music’s gone downhill…
9. Semisonic - Completely
Pleased
Next on our search for my own
masculinity is the nineties incarnate, Semisonic. This song makes it onto the
list because of its extremely moral message. If one is to be a real man, they
must leave their woman in a state of comatose euphoria. Anything less just
won’t do! Oh… masculinity receding…
Best line: “I want to see you hazy dazed and confused I / Want
to see you come, come completely used up”
Hazy? Dazed and confused? Now
where’s my roofies? MANHOOD! HERE I COME!
8. (Hed) P.E. -
Murder
Work it, work it! Hear that
sound, that’s the sound of me, pounding you!
Only the first of the songs in this list to include both sex and murder
I’m seeing the start of a running theme. This song earns its position for its
declaration, “That’s my pussy!” As we all know having ownership of one’s woman
is vital if one’s to be deemed a man.
Now bitch! Go make me a grilled cheese sandwich!
Best line: “That’s my pussy, that’s yo pussy!”
Maybe we can let the cat
decide? They’re very independent animals you know.
7. Tenacious D
- Fuck her Gently
Once again we have a singer
taking the high road. All these morals in sex and I thought it was just about
the birds and the bees. Anyhow, learn from this song! Sometimes doing things the
hard way just isn’t right! But talking about hard… I think my masculinity’s
starting to show.
Best line: “I'm gonna hump you sweetly / I'm gonna ball you
discreetly”
Discreetly hey… So they
shouldn’t even see it coming!
Six months in prison later…
6. 50 Cent -
Candy Shop
Where’d you get that lolly
pop? Oh… Oh my… Charlie and the chocolate factory will never be the same again.
GENE WILDER IS A BAD, BAD MAN!
Best line:
“I'll take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop”
Anyhow, enough of ruining people’s childhoods… for now.
5. Semisonic – Get a Grip
Now this is the second entry in this list for Semisonic. What can
I say, these guys just love singing about sex! This is also the only song in
the list to feature masturbation! Well done Semisonic, I’d shake your hands but
well, you know.
Best line:
“Lonely girls and you lonely boys / Playing alone with your lonely toys”
It’s like they’re singing my life! And talking about getting a
grip…
A
brief interlude.
4. The Smiths – Handsome Devil
Well nothing says masculinity like cuckolding somebody! For this
reason Morrissey singing of a libertine handsome devil surely couldn’t be kept
from the list. Also… what says masculinity better than Morrissey? Oh yeah…
Best line:
“Let me get my hands / On your mammary glands”
Hmm… doesn’t get much more erotic than those mammary glands does
it boys?
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Party of your
Pussy
Slap base and a pussy party! As well as being incredibly sexual,
this song’s just funky. This song is just about light hearted enough to get
away with its extremely absurd lyrics; this is truly something only Antony and
the boys could pull off.
Best line:
“I want to party on your pussy, baby”
If you don’t mind that is… I don’t wish to intrude. Who says you
can’t be both masculine and polite?
2. Avenged Sevenfold – A little piece of
Heaven
Here it is, the second on our list to include murder and there is
only one means of describing this song… special. This strangely heartfelt story
of multiple murders, hearts being eaten, coldplay and marriage is something
extremely unique to say the least. But let’s be honest, one line got this song
into the list-
Best line:
“'Cause I really always knew that my little crime would be cold that's why I
got a heater for your thighs”
Genius… Simply genius. Now honey, where’d I leave that heater?
1. Disney’s Aladdin – A Whole New World
Now I can see you’re all quite annoyed at this topping our list. BUT
ALAS! Allow me to pose to you the following lyrics.
1.
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
Now really, it doesn’t take an overly hormonal teen to spot what
these lyrics are implying. Disney what are you playing at! If I were to sing
these words out loud to the children of the world I’d be locked up! It’s only
within the ultra-innocent guise of a Disney film that lyrics like these are allowed
to pass, and wait there’s more.
2.
Hold your breath - it gets
better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
Smut. It’s pure smut. Oh, and don’t forget,
3.
Indescribable feeling
INDESCRIBABLE FEELING! Well I wonder what that feeling could be Aladdin,
is it someone rubbing your lamp hmm?
So, what I’m proposing is that behind the childish adventure and innocent
romance, there are actually deep, sexual issues being explored within this song…
Either it’s that or I just love Disney and will to stop at nothing to get it
into this list. Damn it, who am I fooling, I LOVE DISNEY! Screw masculinity,
and screw sex. Who needs it when you’ve got heroes, and princesses, and
beauties, and beasts, and talking cutlery. I love everything about it! It’s
truly one of the most beautiful things ever, in every single way.
You know what? FUCK IT! I love making daisy chains as well. This
whole search for my masculinity is laughable. I’m just going to quit right now
and embrace my femininity, put on a dress made of bacon and call myself Lady
Gaga because I was born this way!
Shaun Beale
The Pessimist Chronicles would like to apologise to any readers from said - minority groups - who may have been offended by the above comment, nothing was meant by this. If Nicholas Cage was offended however that is fine, because he can go fuck himself.
Do not do this to me, Aladin and Jasmine were singing about love.
ReplyDeleteYes they were... Making love that is :P
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