The Single Girl’s Guide to the Bewilderment and Bollocks of Dating

In this article I will attempt to uncover the level of bollocks in a series of, what I consider to be, frequent problematic assumptions within the realm of relationships.

1)      “We can just spoon”

Unless he’s gay, she’s gay, he’s completely sizzled, she’s paralytic or she’s feeling menstruriffic, this always leads to something – if not everything – else.

2)      Nice guys finish last…

My lovely Mum once told me that I should be friends with a guy before we start ‘going out’, and whilst this has worked (I use the term ‘worked’ loosely, obviously it didn’t work coz I’m spending my Saturday night watching Eurovision and writing an article about being single) for me before, nowadays it seems to me that girls drop the dreaded ‘F’ bomb the minute a guy is nice, interesting and seems to care.

I love my guy friends – I mean they let me write this superficial waffle for The Pessimist Chronicles – and I spend my time envying the lucky girls that they will one day put a ring on, but I don’t want them for myself. The friendship grenades have been thrown and the result is a crazy explosion of amazing friendships J

 If she opens up to you emotionally, you may as well chuck your parents the papers to adopt her as your sister.

If she tells you about the guys she’s ‘seeing’, do you really think she is romantically interested in you?

But to all you nice guys out there – don’t change. Sure, the idiots always seem to get made breakfast by the girls who spend hours crying down the phone to you, but this doesn’t have to be the way! If she’s honestly worth sacrificing friendship for then still be nice, but make it clear that she’s special.  Nice guys can finish first; you just gotta stop her lighting the fuse on the ‘F’ bomb.

3)      “I can usually do this with one hand”…

Look, I can’t undo my own bra with one hand, in fact when I put it on in the morning I do the crazy sexy thing of doing it up at the front then spinning it round. So, whilst I will be reasonably impressed if you remove it in a James Bond-esque manner, it’s not really standard bra behaviour.

If you don’t have an 100% one-handed-bra-removal rate, don’t bother trying. It’s just embarrassing and a bit awkward.

As the infinitely wise Shania Twain once said, “That don’t impressa me much”.

4)      “I’m not like other guys/girls”
Pretending to be someone you’re not is just never a good idea. Fine, if mission is accomplished after you trick them into “just a spoon”. But what happens, god forbid, if you're still seeing them sixth months down the line?

How do you explain the fact that you’ve stopped going to Church? That you don't actually like N*Sync? That you're naturally an idiot? You're married...? What happens when your friends  drunkenly call them “Number 30” to their face, when they think you’ve only slept with two people?
How do you tell her you don’t like musicals? She’d rather go with her friends and enjoy it, then have you to her left trying to figure out how many over-priced Maltesers you need up your nose and in your mouth before you stop breathing.

Whilst it’s embarrassing when my friends tell guys I meet that I love comics, and reading and cats, I’ve come to the realisation it’s best they know from the word ‘Go’, rather than find out when they enter my creepy library of cats. That’s not a euphemism, but I think it should be.

5)      “My ex was a …”

…Slut, Idiot, Nutter…

If they’re calling their ex that, they will probably talk about you like that a few months down the line. Plus it shows they cannot accept any responsibility for their part in a failed relationship. Also it’s mean.

Similarly:

… Model, Porn-star, Royal, Volunteer for every Charity, ever.

Some things don’t need to be shared, comparisons are always unnecessary.

So that was super helpful.
Now let’s put our prettiest dresses  and smartest shirts on and hit the bars...

I’m ready…

Harriet Baker