The Single Girl's Guide to the Doctors

My feelings towards going to the Doctor’s fluctuate depending on how antagonistic I’m feeling. If I’m ill, I know that I’m ill and somebody else telling me isn’t going to make me feel better. And anyway, my local surgery is just ridiculous. It takes all your snotty effort to phone them, only to be told they have no appointments…unless it’s urgent, in which case you can ‘drop in’ between the hours of 11.30 and the first Tuesday of 2016, to see the duty doctor.

 

Previously, my response to 'is it urgent?' has been, 'yeah, I’d say so; I can’t see out of one eye…' which was deemed important enough that I was encouraged to sit in the waiting room from 11.30 until who knows when just in case a doctor became available. However, I have recently figured out a sure-fire way for any girl to secure an appointment…

 

'Is it urgent?'

'Uhm yeah.'

'Could I ask what it is that’s wrong?'

'Well, I’m on the pill, and…'

 

Sorted!

 

I think (well, I hope I’m not the only one) that any girl will have experienced the way that whatever reason you are at the Doctor’s, you will always be confronted with that dreaded, awkward question…

 

'Are you sexually active?'

 

This question is just fine if you’re in a relationship! You can answer a very simple 'yes', perhaps followed by the story of how you met and a to-the-second update on how long you have been together.

 

So what’s the answer if you’re single?!

 

Never mind, I think my red chinos, buttoned up colour, and cardigan with foxes on was saying something quite the contrary to ‘absolute sex goddess’…

 

The awkwardness begins to peak as it’s time to take off clothes. Unbuttoning my trousers*, which is strange enough as it is, especially if like me you decide it to be an ideal time to make eye contact with your Doctor, I had that crazy panic which I’m pretty sure everyone else does (okay, maybe just me)… What knickers am I wearing? Have I shaved my legs?

 

(For the record, I had ridiculous yellow and pink spotty knickers on which made my arse resemble that of Mr. Blobby, and no, I hadn’t shaved my legs…)

 

The crazy thing is – and I know Doctor’s genuinely don’t care what knickers I’m wearing – but I don’t even know what underwear I would deem suitable to be wearing. Anything too lacy, stringy or see-through would surely be a bit on the slutty side, but anything featuring cute frogs or Disney characters isn’t highlighting your maturity levels and making your health (sexual, or otherwise) seem that paramount…

 

Since I’m tapping into the part of my brain where I store all my awkward situations… when I went for my Cervical Cancer jabs when I was sixteen, the (male) Doctor advised me to remove my shirt for the injections… this really wasn’t necessary… I had a short-sleeved t-shirt on.

 

Perv.

 

Now excuse me whilst I eat an apple a day.

 

Harriet Baker

* After receiving a text from my friend saying "Why did you have to take your trousers off at the Doctors?!", I feel I need to justify that I was at the Doctor's coz I have dodgy legs and my chino's were too tight (or maybe my calves were too fat) to roll them up. Thus, I had to take them off. Ok?!