Shoving a Bun in the Metaphorical Oven

The time you've all been waiting for has finally come, dear readers, as this week I stick a probe deep inside baking's most sensitive part: the erotic cake industry! Sex and cake - what could be better?

For those of you who serve as long-term victims of my ramblings you will know that I have now decided to take my angst out on one sentence heard on a radio show recently: 'are men who can bake sexier?' In order to conduct some research into this question, I decided to sit down and watch the final of The Great British Bake-Off with my housemates (I say 'decided' - I had nothing better to do at the time). Anyway, the shocking fact is thaat I was able to watch the entirety of the last twenty minutes or so that I actually caught without getting in any way, shape or form sexually aroused. Shocking, yes? I thought as much. Of course, this may have been something to do with the fact that none of the finalists were female, and I'm not so desperate I could look at Mary Berry in that way, and I have long since accepted Sue Perkins' lifestyle choice. That said, the men weren't exactly the juiciest apples on the tree either: there was the old guy who nearly cried, the bloke who misunderstood 'bake a cake' and thought it meant 'bake five cakes', and the bloke who thinks almonds taste nice. If I were to see my ex walking down the street arm in arm with one of those gentlemen, in fact, I would be somewhat inclined to study myself closely in the mirror, worried that I compared to them in any way.

 

Then again, maybe it isn't the baker who attracts the ladies, but the bakee (if that is indeed a term - you know, the thing they bake). Cakes and confectionary have played large roles in sex for many decades, and there is even a thing known as the erotic cake industry. Forget your body chocolate and your flavoured condoms, here we have an entire industry devoted to creating cakes which look like foo-foos and ha-has. I'm not going to show them here (I'm still not sure on our obscenity policy or the Blogspot terms of use but I still really can't be bothered to check up on it all), but just be aware that these things exist. The next time you buy a cupcake, just imagine what it would be like if you were biting into a bright pink, sponge and icing vagina. I don't know about you, but when I think of vagina cakes I can't get the phrase 'blue waffle' out of my mind. Do we really want to be thinking of blue waffles as we eat?

 

 

Another disturbing thing I have come across in my search for the weirdest and most bizarre sexual cake around, big chocolate sponges shaped like erect penises. I have to ask the question we're all wondering: why? Who would actually have the guts to go into a shop and say 'I'd like to try one of your vaginas please', and who would be happy to eat one of them on a bench in the park? How do people actually feel while making them? I imagine rolling out the dough is a very awkward experience, and I certainly would be no good at it - I still feel awkward going into Subway and asking to have a footlong. Does anybody model for them? If people pose nude for artists, why not for bakers? Of course, its always nice to have your genitals admired, but it'd be super-awkward to walk past Greggs and think 'look at all those people buying replicas of my willie' (and if you can read that sentence without being disturbed, I take my hat off to you... oh dear... I'll give you a nice big hug... no...you deserve a nice pat on the head... oh God).

Besides, cake when used as a metaphor for romance is supposed to be something nice and cuddly. It is a happy image, one you would be happy for your children to experience later in life. It should be, in a single image, this kind of love:

But turn cakes into something devious and sinful, and you turn that look of love into one of creepy lust, like so:

Are we really doing this again?
Yes, we're running low on material.

It's not so much this:

As this:



Get it?

No, there is no way chocolate knobs can turn a person on. They're good for a nice laugh, yes, but are certainly in no way erotic. Besides, how can we think of cake in that way, when cake is supposed to conjure up nice, sweet images of My Kipling sitting by the fireplace with thousands of children around him, trying his hardest to please each and every one of them. How delightful.

 

 

So, to illustrate my point, here are five things which are automatically more likely to turn you on than cake could ever be:

1) Money.

Awwww yeahhhhh

2) Phallic stones.

3) Cheetos.

4) Alyson Hannigan.

One of her first lines in Buffy is 'do you want me to move?'
One of the sexual orders Christian Grey gives Anastasia Steele is 'move'.
Coincidence?
No. They're not even connected you sick weirdo.
(She is pretty though.)

5) The beards of English students.

 

 

Now that we've sorted that out, we can all rest easy in the knowledge that there are in fact some things more sexy than someone who can bake. Yet the discussion must continue. There is still some degree of eroticism within the baking world, but the reason for it is unclear. Next week, I hope I shall be able to lay this entire debate to bed (and at the same time stop having to come up with these nonsensical innuendos). So pop by next Tuesday when I'll be looking at one of the sexiest aspects of baking: physical fitness. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips - why is this sexually attractive? We'll find out very shortly.

 

William D. Green